I was absent the day "Sports Mom 101" was taught in school. Consequently, I ended up taking its sister course "Faking It" to compensate. It taught me useful strategies to use when facing the challenges of not comprehending youth sports.
1. Sit by a mom who knows what the hell is going on. In between your conversations about Science Fair and what you failed to fix for dinner that night, you can easily slide in a "now what just happened there?" when she isn't looking. This will force her to turn her head back to the game. Even if nothing significant happened, she will still give you some tiny bit of useful sports information that you can store away for later. FYI: "Oh, they just stopped the game because he was tying his shoe" is not useful. Ever.
2. This one is obvious: Cheer when they cheer. There is a drawback to this tactic; especially if you are sitting in a mixed crowd of moms. This generally happens when you want to sit by a particular mom, but her child is on the opposite team. Know your surroundings.
3. No matter how badly you want to talk about the color scheme of the uniforms, control yourself. Real sports moms don't care if the blacks match or if the poly blend isn't holding up well in the wash. Engaging in this type of conversation is lethal and will blow your cover.
4. Bring an unruly youngster to the game. When sports mom looks at you and asks "Can you believe that just happened?" quickly grab said child by the arm and state "Oh no! I was dealing with (unruly youngster's name). What just happened?"
5. Don't ask inconsequential questions. Your husband doesn't appreciate it and a good sports mom won't either.
6. Never, and I mean never, ask "Is this game almost over?" Sports mom is hanging on to every minute of this game like your dad watching "The Dirty Dozen". If the confusion of the game becomes overwhelming, excuse yourself to the concession area. By the time you finish your popcorn and Laffy Taffy, it will probably be over.
7. Use universal terms when cheering. "Let's go!" is always safe. You can be watching a basketball game or Cricket; doesn't matter-still fits. Another good one is "Let's get a win!" Again, completely universal.
8. Bling it up. Wear your child's colors and all the charms, pendants, and scarves you can find that coordinate. Be careful that your attire does not exude that of a "Team Mom". Team Moms know all about rosters and stats and stuff. You are way out of your league if parents start approaching you with questions.
9. "Off Sides", "Press", "Illegal Use of Hands". Don't let the last one scare you. Officers are not coming to arrest your child. These are all commonly used terms in the world of sports. You can learn more about them by browsing sports websites. However, please refrain from doing so during the game. Sports moms will think you are scrolling facebook. 2 things: Never, Never, Never shake a baby and Never, Never, Never peruse social media during a game.
10. Lastly, keep the façade up for your child. He/She is counting on you. When it is time to praise, say things like "You played much better this game." and "You kept your eye on the ball." Always ask your child if the coach gave him/her any pointers after the game. When your child tells you, you won't understand what it all means, but respond with "I can see that, too".
I recently saw a picture of a friend's entire family at her son's basketball game. There must have been 15 people in the photo. I looked closer at the picture and realized that the little 3 year old knows more about the game than I do.
There will be days that you realize that you are living a lie. You will find yourself seeking out the 3-year-old in a jersey and want to ask him questions. It will be sobering. However, check your feelings of self-loathing at the door and keep attending the games. Just don't sit by the woman eating popcorn and Laffy Taffy. You aren't good for one another.
1. Sit by a mom who knows what the hell is going on. In between your conversations about Science Fair and what you failed to fix for dinner that night, you can easily slide in a "now what just happened there?" when she isn't looking. This will force her to turn her head back to the game. Even if nothing significant happened, she will still give you some tiny bit of useful sports information that you can store away for later. FYI: "Oh, they just stopped the game because he was tying his shoe" is not useful. Ever.
2. This one is obvious: Cheer when they cheer. There is a drawback to this tactic; especially if you are sitting in a mixed crowd of moms. This generally happens when you want to sit by a particular mom, but her child is on the opposite team. Know your surroundings.
3. No matter how badly you want to talk about the color scheme of the uniforms, control yourself. Real sports moms don't care if the blacks match or if the poly blend isn't holding up well in the wash. Engaging in this type of conversation is lethal and will blow your cover.
4. Bring an unruly youngster to the game. When sports mom looks at you and asks "Can you believe that just happened?" quickly grab said child by the arm and state "Oh no! I was dealing with (unruly youngster's name). What just happened?"
5. Don't ask inconsequential questions. Your husband doesn't appreciate it and a good sports mom won't either.
6. Never, and I mean never, ask "Is this game almost over?" Sports mom is hanging on to every minute of this game like your dad watching "The Dirty Dozen". If the confusion of the game becomes overwhelming, excuse yourself to the concession area. By the time you finish your popcorn and Laffy Taffy, it will probably be over.
7. Use universal terms when cheering. "Let's go!" is always safe. You can be watching a basketball game or Cricket; doesn't matter-still fits. Another good one is "Let's get a win!" Again, completely universal.
8. Bling it up. Wear your child's colors and all the charms, pendants, and scarves you can find that coordinate. Be careful that your attire does not exude that of a "Team Mom". Team Moms know all about rosters and stats and stuff. You are way out of your league if parents start approaching you with questions.
9. "Off Sides", "Press", "Illegal Use of Hands". Don't let the last one scare you. Officers are not coming to arrest your child. These are all commonly used terms in the world of sports. You can learn more about them by browsing sports websites. However, please refrain from doing so during the game. Sports moms will think you are scrolling facebook. 2 things: Never, Never, Never shake a baby and Never, Never, Never peruse social media during a game.
10. Lastly, keep the façade up for your child. He/She is counting on you. When it is time to praise, say things like "You played much better this game." and "You kept your eye on the ball." Always ask your child if the coach gave him/her any pointers after the game. When your child tells you, you won't understand what it all means, but respond with "I can see that, too".
I recently saw a picture of a friend's entire family at her son's basketball game. There must have been 15 people in the photo. I looked closer at the picture and realized that the little 3 year old knows more about the game than I do.
There will be days that you realize that you are living a lie. You will find yourself seeking out the 3-year-old in a jersey and want to ask him questions. It will be sobering. However, check your feelings of self-loathing at the door and keep attending the games. Just don't sit by the woman eating popcorn and Laffy Taffy. You aren't good for one another.
right there with ya sista. well said.
ReplyDeleteThanks Shannan!
ReplyDelete